Congratulations! I'm sorry? You're not pregnant. Yes, today is the day you found out. This is either a joyous occasion - the Plan B worked after the condom broke! Or a sad one - the Clomid didn't work, again, this cycle. Either way, you know you're drinking tonight. But what should you partake in? It's a weeknight, you can't go out for drinks and good times with friends. So while you sit and watch The Prince and Me on Amazon Prime because you haven't seen it in ten years, and why the hell not - well, you know you're going to have to get your drink on just to tolerate that shit. So, what are your options?

Scenario One: You didn't want to be pregnant! Champagne is clearly called for here. But again, it's a weeknight. So you may possibly not have champagne lying around the house. Any white wine will do, and failing that, any red. But wine is the drink of special occasions, and so wine is what you will toast with tonight, as you congratulate yourself on your God damned good luck. I recommend Mionetto Prosecco. More affordable than champagne, prosecco still gives you that exotic European feel, and the bubbly leaves you feeling elated, which suits your mood. Mionetto Prosecco is from the Veneto region of Italy, which is well known for its dry white wines. And it's affordable! Always a plus now that you coughed up that $86 for Plan B in the first place.

Scenario Two: You really wanted to be pregnant. Well that fucking sucks, and I'm sorry. Tonight is the night of drowning your sorrows. But it's a weeknight, and so I wouldn't recommend drowning everything in a bottle of bourbon, as you would on a Saturday night if you found out this news. No, tonight you stick with beer, since you have to actually get up and work tomorrow. But maybe a beer with an extra kick in it? I recommend Dogfish Head's 90 minute Imperial IPA. At 9% alcohol, you can still feel like you're being relatively virtuous by only having two beers, and yet get that extra kick you need to feel truly melancholy about your sucky news. With Esquire magazine rating it "perhaps the best IPA in America", you know you're treating yourself with something special. And if you're not pregnant when you really wanted to be, well, you're going to need something special.

Drink up. And cheers. Tomorrow is a brand new day.